So here we are again, I realise that it has been a minute since i wrote or posted anything. I am also very aware that I have probably said that before, I guess I am just one of those writers who creates when it feels right and I am totally okay with that! This particular entry will I hope, be a positive yet honest insight into what i have been doing and learning over the past few months.
For those of you that have been kind enough to follow my journey through these pieces will know that i have experienced and learned to live with a lot of challenges. Before I go any further I need to remind everyone that the main reasons i have managed to live so well with these challenges are my parents and family. I am incredibly lucky, grateful and thankful for everything that they have taught and given me. If any of you know much about cerebral palsy then I am sure that you aware that it can manifest itself in many different forms and levels of severity, i am very fortunate that my condition is mild and generally i am able to do most things to live a normal life, even if it takes a little extra effort sometimes.
One of the aspects of my condition that i have often found the most difficult to live with is the unpredictability of my own body, in pain, feeling, movement and control. A lot of work and effort went into helping me develop an understanding of how to live in a body like mine when i was younger. I will always be thankful for the regular swimming and physiotherapy lessons because i know that without them, i would not be as strong, able and mobile as i am today. Having said all of that though, i have always felt a disconnect with the body I live in, because despite living within it for the past 28 years I am still never really sure what surprises it will throw my way. I guess the best way i can describe it is like an inner monologue argument, both mentally and physically, it a sometimes constant round robin of not always knowing how your body is going to feel, move or function on a particular day. The unpredictability effect that my condition has on my body is a lack of a certain level control that i really want, but am still learning that I will probably never really get. I do not seek sympathy for this, please understand that i am aware of how lucky i am with the level of movement I have but also knowing that i will not the level of control experienced by those who are more able bodied can be hard for me sometimes.
For those of you that know me, and those that don’t yet I guess, you will know that I have always had a love/hate relationship with sport and physical activity. I’m not going to lie, growing up, school PE lessons were mostly hate, but i now know that this is because i felt exposed, different and out of control. That feeling carried on into my adult life and really affected the relationship i had with my body and how i saw myself, this made the idea of exercising almost impossible to me because I was not sure if i was capable of of taking care of myself safely because of the disconnect I felt within my own body.
I did promise you that this piece would be positive too – and i think it is about time we get to looking at that bit. It all started around 4 months ago, i decided i was in the right space to start taking care of myself again. I contacted a personal trainer and we started working together to help me regain some confidence in myself, learn how to reconnect with my body and the way that it moves and understand that even when I find it difficult that with the right support i will be able to have some the control back that i feel like I have been missing.
Going back to the gym and focusing on myself for the past few months has been life changing. (Honestly, anyone in my everyday life can tell you that I have not stopped talking about it since I started!) It has been so lovely to work with someone who lets and encourages me to be part of my own story, giving me hope and belief that with practice I will be able to get stronger and relearn how to connect with and love my body again. I have learned that i can push myself in a positive way and my body is capable of more than I thought. I am deeply appreciative of the way in which the training and support I have received has helped me rediscover the power i have and i am excited for it to continue. I’m not saying that the work is an easy process, because it really isn’t sometimes, it takes a lot of planning, adaptation and trial and error, but working with someone who is willing to figure it out is powerful in itself. For the first time in a while i am finding joy in movement again and i am starting to feel a connection with my body that has been missing for a while.
All i can say from this experience is, just because my body is unpredictable (and in some ways always will be) that does not mean that it cannot be strong and connected if i can find a way to work with what I’ve got. I have discovered that i can be powerful in my own way and i am proud of that.
I hope this (slightly all over the place) entry might strike a chord with some of you. Remember that if you put in the work and are willing to try the maybe things you want could be possible.
All the love,
Lucy 🙂
Cerebral Palsy and me - Life through Lucy's eyes 