Dear Cerebral Palsy,

It certainly feels like a lifetime since I caught up and connected with you properly. Sorry, I feel kind of bad about that, but in the interest of full disclosure, a lot has happened to me this year; some of it is pretty awesome, other bits not so much, but I am hopeful that you are as glad as I am when I say that I am still here and thriving.

So, I guess you will be wanting to hear all about the things in our life that you might have missed. (Yes. I know that you are always with me, and I feel your presence always but lets be honest, even after all these years. we still don’t always get along as well as we could). Feel free to get comfortable cerebral palsy, this will be another interesting ride.

It will come as no surprise to you that I remain as stubborn as I always was, and I still insist on doing this myself, even if I need help, you and I know that generally I will be very unlikely to ask for it. We know growing up with a disability was in parts, very confusing and upsetting for us. We were very aware of just how different we were from all the other children in our community. not because we were told at that stage, but because we could feel it, in the moving around. falling over and finding things others were doing very difficult. Having said all of that though, we were also grow up knowing that our challenges made us special. Because of the support we needed from our leg braces, we developed our love of colour and expression. And I am sure you can tell, the love of colour you gave me still exists, even as an adult, thanks to you, I am not afraid to wear rainbows, patterns and bright coloured outfits – this brings me joy and has become such a large part of the way that I present myself. 

The point is, as I am sure you know – our differences, and the support  were given as a child and young person, made us powerful. Cerebral palsy, we have done so much together as grown ups, and you living alongside me, has positively impacted the way in which I support the students I have worked so hard to look after, whilst also giving me the opportunity to speak, celebrate and advocate for others in similar positions throughout my adult life, and I hope you know that I am truly grateful to you for that. 

Now, as I am sure you are fully aware, our disability has been negatively viewed. even though we are an adult and people in our life, particularly in our work setting, feel they have the right to argue that our condition “can’t be that bad” because they have met individuals with the same condition as us who can’t speak, so we “should be grateful” that it is not that difficult for us. I know that we have grown up brushing off comments and conversations and opinions like that one – but I also remember how much that one hurt. Because, even though we have learned to live alongside each other, the pain and difficulties I sometimes experience due to your existence are still very real and valid. I remember feeling incredibly angry and upset and confused that someone who knew so little of our journey was spending so much time invalidating it. 

On the flipside of course, we still have to tackle those who believe that our condition makes us less capable, we have had several incarnations of this occur over the years, with our latest battle stipulating that one of the reasons they had to do so much more was because “Lucy has problems with her legs” and because “she has a disability so finds it difficult to move.” This thought still makes me angry and confused as it feels as if, no matter what we do we can’t win….. we are are either too disabled, or not disabled enough, that is confusing and continues to be a hard notion to tackle as much as we have to. 

Despite all of this, your existence and our unwavering support network has made me a very unique and powerful individual, who knows who she is, what she believes and stands for whilst having learned to fight for her needs, to be heard and to challenge and question other people’s perceptions of her. We spent so long working to develop me as an independent young woman, and I have learned very well how to function like that; I am very aware however, that in part this happened because we were worried that I wouldn’t be able to live a “normal” and full life that might involve another person. Well, I have a pretty cool update on that thought process too….

I have been in a steady relationship for the past 2.5 years, with a man that loves us so entirely that we recently became engaged, he wants to spend the rest of our lives together despite my difficulties and differences; cerebral palsy, he has fully accepted that you will also be a part of our story and celebrates and supports you so completely. He accepts that pain is a part of our (sometimes) daily life, always having painkillers, support and gentle on hand. He has supported me in learning new things, combining my love for Disney with his for lego… he has taught me patience when I have wanted to throw the lego pieces on the floor because the tiny pieces were testing my co-ordination. He has shown me that you can build adorable things, even if you have to persist and find a new way around the blocks. He does not believe that I am less capable and lets me do things independently, being ready and waiting to help and support…even if i haven’t asked for it.

We have also bought a house together….in a tiny English village where everyone knows everyone, and they hold summer village fete’s as a community. It is peaceful and brings a new form of joy in a life that I never thought I would be living as a person with a lifelong condition.

So I guess, what I am saying is, even though living with our disability is still confusing on the regular….there is a great deal of love in our life at the same time and I am ever grateful for that.

Thank you for building this life with me 🙂

All the love,

Lucy 🙂

“What is life, without a little risk?” – Sirius Black

So, here we go again, pretty much half way though November…(I’m sorry, HOW did we get here so fast??), 5 weeks away from the Christmas holidays and a rest to close off the year. In honour of that, along with the fact that I recently reached my 400th workout at the gym; I thought I would take a breath and a little look back at just how far I have come. Seriously people, even to me, all I have achieved still seems completely nuts.

Writing this bit, is honestly taking me back to the time I was a child, when every little thing I achieved was exciting, from learning to walk without my leg braces, (although I definitely missed the colour!) to discovering, much to the surprise and confusion of my parents and I that could skip with a rope. Now, don’t get me wrong, i am very aware that I have achieved A LOT between childhood and now, from travelling loads to achieving a First Class Honours Degree at University. But what i am trying to make you understand is that, as an adult I have not spent a lot of time focusing on all the things I have managed to do with my disability.

Truly, i remember going to therapy, swimming lessons and appointments religiously until I was about 12 and in my second year of Senior School. Everything is exciting when you are young, I remember being so excited about being able to walk up and down a set of wooden steps on my own for the first time. Along with freedom that was given to me whizzing around on a bicycle with stabilisers inside my therapy centre! Granted, I don’t cycle now because I believe not only that two wheeler bikes are evil, but also that because my spacial awareness is sometimes questionable, I often find myself questioning what the end result would look like…what can I say, I’m a realist.

For the longest time, despite knowing that I have come so far, I did not think I could progress or strengthen myself anymore, in my head I had done all I could, to give myself the best chance of living to the fullest with a condition like mine. I guess you could say, that for a while, it wasn’t particularly exciting, it was living, with a disability, that I had to learn to live alongside and find my excitement and growth in other ways, believe me, I did find growth and excitement and it was incredible!

Rewind to about 18 months ago, and if you remember, I took a big risk for me and rejoined the gym, just after recovering from COVID. Now, some of you will already know the above piece of information if you have been reading these for a while, and initially I joined and linked up with my personal trainer to help my mental health, but i now feel so joyful to tell you more about the unexpected progression and excitement I am still feeling in a different area, therapy, co-ordination and strength building. I am talking to you about this after successfully thrown 12 kg medicine ball slams for the first time today, i can not explain to you in words how happy that made me, because I am so aware of all the patience, adaptations, balance, power and strength I had to put my body through to get there.

This stuff is even more exciting because, for those of you who know me (and for those of you who don’t), you will have learned that i don’t have the best centre of balance all of the time. Being able to throw 12 kg of weight has show me how much things are improving and strengthening which is pretty cool.

I am also incredibly grateful to my friend and trainer for reintroducing elements of therapy and co-ordination into my training plan. Being able to focus on connecting my brain and body with exercises is something I had forgotten I could find intriguing, exciting and joyful. You would have loved seeing me at the gym the other day, I was smiling like such a child after using an Agility ladder for the first time. I am not going to lie to you, it was not the fastest journey down the ladder, but I was so proud of being able to focus and control my co-ordination just enough to step and out of each of the rungs, using both legs, successfully. Not only that, but I have also developed an interesting relationship with the Ski Erg, to be clear, I have no intention of EVER finding myself at the top of an actual mountain with a set of real skis and i am okay with that. But slowly, learning and building up the core strength and balance to use the Ski Erg in the gym setting has been an adventure and a great thing, knowing that i can pull using the movement of ski poles whilst staying steady and balanced most of the time is incredibly powerful. The joy of discovering box step ups has also been quite a journey, who knew that stepping up and down on a box could be so fulfilling? Knowing all the work I (or we, really) have been doing in the gym has been paying off is awesome, especially when you can see that your co-ordination and balance is improving enough for the box step ups to be relatively smooth most of the time.

Now, you see, all the things I have just told you is amazing, and I am very proud, but was it successful every time? Absolutely not! Have I tried box step ups and nearly flown off the side of the box? Yes. Have i pulled too hard on the Ski Erg wires and lost my balance? Yes. Did I catch my foot in the agility ladder and get tangled? Yep that too. I’m pretty sure that each time it didn’t go exactly like we planned and i almost went flying or nearly fell over, I gave my trainer a minor heart attack. I like to think though, it is all a part of the adventure and the fun, making the successes all the more brilliant.

I guess that what I am trying to say, with this particular ramble is to celebrate your milestones, no matter how small, because you never know what excitement and unexpected joys you might find on your way. You have come so far from where you started and your relationship with yourself is ever changing. Keep growing, learning and taking risks.

Be excited about life my darlings, always.

All the love,

Lucy 🙂

“Happiness can be found in the darkest of time, if only one remembers to turn on the light” – Albus Dumbledore

After what feels like a lifetime, I am back, and for the first time in a while; I feel somewhat ready to write again. I have tried think for ages, about how I wanted to write this piece, and what path it would take. I initially considered, writing to my brain, much like I did to cerebral palsy in the blog post that started it all. I then realised however, that my brain is quite a messy space sometimes, so i am not how much sense that would have made, so i am hopeful that, if you have started reading this, then you are willing to settle for a personal ramble that will reach some kind of conclusion….eventually.

So, as i am sure you have noticed, we have rolled in to October, it’s odd, because it doesn’t feel as cold as it normally does, but it is definitely getting darker earlier. If i am totally 100% honest, September was not the easiest of months for me, it felt pretty dark sometimes. I like to think that now I know more about what I can do to help keep myself in a good space, I would be able to control my thoughts most of the time. September was not one of those months… I had been through a lot, from being pinned to my boyfriends bed due to a panic/anxiety episode I was not prepared for, to another visit to the hospital with stress induced Gastritis. I was experiencing all of this and still going into my job everyday feeling like I was constantly running around and pressing fast forward just to get through the day.I was tired, but i tried not show it, I was stressed, but i tried not to show it and i was low, but tried not to show it. It reached a point where I couldn’t hide how i was feeling anymore, I had stopped going to the gym regularly (which i happen to love going to now) because it felt like effort, I stopped eating and drinking properly, because it felt like effort, and I all i wanted to do whilst i was in that head-space was sleep.

I had forgotten how too much sleep could make you so tired, but i just didn’t want to do anything else…I was on auto-piloting through work, because I have learned how to put on a “mask” really well so that I could still look after the students that care so much about. Fast forward to two weeks ago, I found myself sitting outside of a church (of all places) across from my favourite sweet-shop, waiting for another phone call appointment with my GP to discuss my mental health. It doesn’t matter how many times I have done this…(because I know it helps) part of me, still really hates doing it, but thankfully, the conversation happened and resulted in the dosage of my anti-depressants being increased, in hopes of it helping me level out again. And after about a week, along with an interesting sleep pattern and a bit of exhaustion, i am starting to feel like myself again.

Now, for those of you who are eagle eyed, you may have noticed the Harry Potter quote at the top of this piece. Being the Potter nut (or Potterhead if you wish), Albus Dumbledore and Luna Lovegood taught me a lot about how to live my life, through embracing your weirdness and fighting for what is right. One of my favourite Luna Lovegood quotes has to be “The things we lose always have a way of coming back to us, even if not in the way we expect.” This could not have felt more accurate to me after the past month, because I felt so unlike myself, that it felt as if i was out of my own body watching from a distance. But now, I am writing this entry, having been to the gym two days in a row, eaten 3 meals a day for those days and have started drinking water properly again. I know that to some of you that probably doesn’t sound like a lot, but since i am in the process of recovering (again) I am trying to celebrate the little wins.

Through this particular and unexpected episode I have tried to find ways of learning to find the light. I know for a fact that I am lucky to have the partner I do, he has seen some of worse days and some of my lowest lows and he still here. I love and appreciate him very much for that. I am also incredibly thankful to have the gym community, trainer and friend that I have found, because even with the gaps in gym visits and up and downs with consistency, the support and existence is constant. I’m not in totally positive place that I have been, but i do not feel so low anymore, so with baby steps I am sure that I will get back there…eventually.

I am excited to start building my resilience and motivation again, even if it is just 1% a day, because 1% is always better than nothing. Take from someone that knows, dark days don’t last forever, it is just harder to find the light sometimes. Reach out and hold onto those people that you love, because whatever you are experiencing right now, I believe that you will get through it.

I hope this helps you find your light my darlings,

All the love

Lucy 🙂

I suppose you could argue that i am writing this entry from a place that has been filled with more chaos than art. I have visited the A and E Department twice in the past month, both being for situations I did not see coming and still cannot entirely explain. Luckily enough though, both these trips turned out not to be as dramatic as they could have been and i am well on my way to fully recovering from both instances.

Now would be a good time to tell you what caused the first part of the chaos, only because i am able to laugh at it now. (Mostly out of confusion and pure shock that it actually happened!) As I am sure most of you are aware by now, I have been going to the gym for almost 12 months and I am a stronger, more balanced, more connected to my body and generally happier. I could never have come this far without the support I have received, not only from my trainer, who i am incredibly grateful is now also my friend, but also the amazing group of people I have had the opportunity to meet and train with. Having said all of that though I was reminded of just how chaotic my condition can make me feel when I literally crashed quite dramatically onto the gym floor just after arriving for my session warm up. Ready for the backstory? It still makes very little sense to me but i actually find it quite entertaining now….so here we go. It’s pretty short and sweet really, I walked in, moved towards the stretch area and next thing I knew my legs had given way underneath me and I was on the floor having overstretched/popped a muscle/joint out in my leg. Sounds great right? It wasn’t. It hurt…a lot, but thankfully the joint popped immediately back into place. I have spent a while trying to describe what it is like for my brain to send messages to my legs and the only way i can think of is carrier pigeons… for people who are able bodied messages generally get sent from your brain to your bodies pretty quickly with little issue (I’m guessing anyway!). For me, it’s like carrier pigeons, a unique, if somewhat slower experience and unfortunately the messages I need don’t always end up where I need them to, when I ideally need them to. See what I mean? Absolute chaos!

Anyway, I was out of action gym wise for a good week and a half after that and the Orthopaedic Surgeon I saw (he was great) helpfully suggested I try not to do that again…annoying but a fair assessment of the situation I suppose and one piece of advice I planned to try and stick to. For the week after the fall I spent A LOT of time stretching, and i guess this where the first bit of Art came in – my leg still hurt, there was no escaping that, but the stretches helped me to remember how far my body had come, how much I able to push through and how much flexibility and ability I had gained just by giving my body chance to try. The break from heavy gym let me sit with the fact and feeling that my cerebral palsy will sometimes just give me gentle reminders that it is still walking alongside me. Naturally, the falls will be somewhat dramatic, sometimes painful and lead to a longer recovery but it is okay I am not just my condition, I am made of so much more magic, art and joy. The recovery makes the art of comeback and rebuild better every time!

Ready for more fall related Art? I hope so, because it is coming your way now! This time, it is in the form of a long held dream of a trip to Disneyland Paris! (I have been before apparently, but was pretty young so i don’t really remember… Anyway, i was due to travel with my parents about a week after the initial fall in the gym and my leg was still in a bit of pain and seeing as walking is a challenge in “normal” circumstances, I was not sure how it was going to go. Fast forward roughly 48 hours and as well as having eaten Mickey Mouse Shaped pastries, watched a Frozen Musical Show, gone on lots of rides and watched an awesome light/fireworks show at the Disney Castle; I had managed to walk over 30 km without falling over once! (WIN!). It was also very clear to me that my balance, strength, pain management and stamina were the best they have ever been and I was so proud! See, i told you, seeing Art is always possible, I was just lucky to be in such a magical place in the time that I found it!

Now, I am writing this next chaotic story from a very recent viewpoint, given that I am still in the middle of recovering from it. I was once again in the A and E Department last Sunday due to the fact that i was having stomach pains and nausea..(I spend quite a bit of time at the hospital with my job and am half convinced some of the staff know who i am…) So, when I was being assessed by one of the doctors, he asked if i often found myself to be stressed, it for some reason perplexed me, because even though I knew the answer was yes, i could not remember the last time someone (outside of my immediate family and friends) had taken the time to ask me how I was feeling. As it turned out though, the issues I was having were, according to the doctor, most likely caused by stress. Reflecting on it now, because work is so quiet at the moment, i sometimes forget just how chaotic my day to day life can be. I spent a good 48 hours after the hospital visit resting and just eating plain pasta…it was all i could manage at the time.

Luckily for me, recovering from this introduced me to a kind of art that I had forgotten existed. The art of doing absolutely nothing. Honestly, I have never been very good at that, my brain is always going at a million miles an hour and i feel guilty if i’m not doing anything, BUT, taking time for myself, lying on the sofa, watching endless episodes of 24 hours in A&E and 999: On the Front-line was great for me because it gave my body the time in needed to truly recover. Not just enough, but completely. I slept better than I had done in weeks and felt fully able to decompress and reset.

Thankfully, i am doing a lot better than i was a week ago, i am back at work, eating normally and if i keep taking the medication as i should things will be fine. As you can probably tell, it has been a tricky (chaotic) few weeks for me! It has however, shown me that you can always find time to appreciate the magic and the art, stars are always going to be in the sky.

Keep living in amongst your chaos and art my darlings.

All the love,

Lucy 🙂

Can you believe it? We have reached the end of another year and 2023 has just kicked off. I don’t know about you but I cannot understand where the time has gone! In that spirit and with 2022 now closed I thought now would be a good time to write something about all i have learned this year. I want you all to know a lot of what I have learned about myself and what it is i am capable of. I have spent a large amount of time in 2022 cultivating a new understanding of what it means to be powerful, as a result of this, I am finally learning that it is okay for me to celebrate my wins, immerse myself in joy and start to lean into the happy. Hold on tight everyone, this year has changed me in a big way and I hope you will jump on and enjoy the ride with me.

Now, for those audience members that have read along with me since I started this blog, you will hopefully know by now that the aim has always been to shed and honest light on what it can be like to live with cerebral palsy, which at times can at times be both physically and mentally limiting. I like to think that i have used this platform to demonstrate this successfully, but for the first time in what feels like forever, most of the things I am about to say are actually positive and confident. This is very exciting for me and gives me a sense of pride and a lot of hope.

Having said the above, there is no doubt that my journey of change started from a place of anxiety, uncertainty, fear and a genuine dislike for my body and condition I had spent so many years learning to live alongside. I felt damaged, broken and pretty low. I had focused so much energy on getting through a day of my job that I kept pushing back the “taking care of myself” part that ignoring my needs just became a daily habit. I couldn’t tell you what it was 9 months ago that made me reach out and start going back to the gym, but as I am sure you know by now, once I have decided on something it is very unlikely that I will change my mind, I can be incredibly stubborn in that way!

April 2022 was where everything started to change for me, I had been doing a lot of research into things that could help me feel better and I landed on returning to the gym. I had done this before but was still very nervous because it hadn’t worked out quite as I’d hoped in the past. When I got to my first training session I thought the outcome might be the same as previous owing to the fact that I barley managed to get two words out before I burst into tears. (I must stress that these tears had nothing to do with my trainer, he was, and luckily for me still is incredible!) This was the stage of my journey that I did not know how to handle or where to put my feelings or emotions. I also felt so uncomfortable in my own skin that I lacked any self-confidence.

Re-entering into a fitness journey as a person with a physical impairment takes a lot of planning, patience and trial and error, mostly because we had to figure out how to exercise in a system and a body where things do not always go as planned. It is difficult to explain to those who do not experience it first hand, what it can be like living in a body that you do not always feel connected to or in control of, but it is a constant surprise as to what state or level of agreement you will get from your body on a daily basis. This made the idea of fitness a mental challenge as well as a physical one, I spent a large portion of time telling my trainer he was bananas and i would never be able to do a lot of the things he was asking me to, all credit to him, he persevered with me and most of the time he was right and we worked things out eventually.

The first couple of months of this journey were quite nerve-wracking for me, butt I realise now that this because I was still in the mindset that “people like me” could never be physically capable of undertaking workouts like these successfully or safely. This was also linked to my then belief that I did not deserve to change or strengthen the body I came in because it is damaged. Fast forward 9 months and thankfully, that train of thought has changed a lot! I have learned to throw medicine balls, use battle ropes, strengthen my legs with sumo squats, leg press and leg extension. This has also been an awesome way to strengthen my core, improve my balance and focus/control my emotions. The ultimate sense of achievement came a couple of weeks ago when I managed to complete my first ever sets of assisted pull ups with a band! I remember how happy i felt that I managed to do it and I could not stop smiling :)! I felt fully connected for the first time in ages and was leaning into the happy.

I can see a huge difference in the state of my mental health and resilience over the past year, it probably helps that I am taking my medication as I should and eating and drinking regularly. (Yes, I wasn’t doing any of these things 9 months ago). But, now that i have focus, structure and accountability I can see positive changes and development. I am now excited to try new things, set boundaries and be proud of my achievements, finally allowing myself the space to explore the happiness i am now learning I deserve.

I am going to finish this entry, and close 2022 by reminding you that things do not always go the way we plan but that is okay, I have learned to make it all part of the journey. The past 12 months have been a huge learning curve for me, but I am very proud of how much I have changed and who i have become. I am not the same person as last year and I am grateful, I go into 2023 feeling more whole and connected than ever, I am very excited to see what gifts 2023 brings me.

I hope that 2023 brings you love, joy growth, strength, power and healing. We all know that it will not go to plan 100% of the time but please keep going. Take it from someone who has been through stuff, it will get better. Change does not happen immediately, but i hope you take this year as a chance to challenge yourself and step into your power. You truly never know what you can do. Happy New Year my darlings, you’ve got this!

All the love,

Lucy 🙂

So here we are again, I realise that it has been a minute since i wrote or posted anything. I am also very aware that I have probably said that before, I guess I am just one of those writers who creates when it feels right and I am totally okay with that! This particular entry will I hope, be a positive yet honest insight into what i have been doing and learning over the past few months.

For those of you that have been kind enough to follow my journey through these pieces will know that i have experienced and learned to live with a lot of challenges. Before I go any further I need to remind everyone that the main reasons i have managed to live so well with these challenges are my parents and family. I am incredibly lucky, grateful and thankful for everything that they have taught and given me. If any of you know much about cerebral palsy then I am sure that you aware that it can manifest itself in many different forms and levels of severity, i am very fortunate that my condition is mild and generally i am able to do most things to live a normal life, even if it takes a little extra effort sometimes.

One of the aspects of my condition that i have often found the most difficult to live with is the unpredictability of my own body, in pain, feeling, movement and control. A lot of work and effort went into helping me develop an understanding of how to live in a body like mine when i was younger. I will always be thankful for the regular swimming and physiotherapy lessons because i know that without them, i would not be as strong, able and mobile as i am today. Having said all of that though, i have always felt a disconnect with the body I live in, because despite living within it for the past 28 years I am still never really sure what surprises it will throw my way. I guess the best way i can describe it is like an inner monologue argument, both mentally and physically, it a sometimes constant round robin of not always knowing how your body is going to feel, move or function on a particular day. The unpredictability effect that my condition has on my body is a lack of a certain level control that i really want, but am still learning that I will probably never really get. I do not seek sympathy for this, please understand that i am aware of how lucky i am with the level of movement I have but also knowing that i will not the level of control experienced by those who are more able bodied can be hard for me sometimes.

For those of you that know me, and those that don’t yet I guess, you will know that I have always had a love/hate relationship with sport and physical activity. I’m not going to lie, growing up, school PE lessons were mostly hate, but i now know that this is because i felt exposed, different and out of control. That feeling carried on into my adult life and really affected the relationship i had with my body and how i saw myself, this made the idea of exercising almost impossible to me because I was not sure if i was capable of of taking care of myself safely because of the disconnect I felt within my own body.

I did promise you that this piece would be positive too – and i think it is about time we get to looking at that bit. It all started around 4 months ago, i decided i was in the right space to start taking care of myself again. I contacted a personal trainer and we started working together to help me regain some confidence in myself, learn how to reconnect with my body and the way that it moves and understand that even when I find it difficult that with the right support i will be able to have some the control back that i feel like I have been missing.

Going back to the gym and focusing on myself for the past few months has been life changing. (Honestly, anyone in my everyday life can tell you that I have not stopped talking about it since I started!) It has been so lovely to work with someone who lets and encourages me to be part of my own story, giving me hope and belief that with practice I will be able to get stronger and relearn how to connect with and love my body again. I have learned that i can push myself in a positive way and my body is capable of more than I thought. I am deeply appreciative of the way in which the training and support I have received has helped me rediscover the power i have and i am excited for it to continue. I’m not saying that the work is an easy process, because it really isn’t sometimes, it takes a lot of planning, adaptation and trial and error, but working with someone who is willing to figure it out is powerful in itself. For the first time in a while i am finding joy in movement again and i am starting to feel a connection with my body that has been missing for a while.

All i can say from this experience is, just because my body is unpredictable (and in some ways always will be) that does not mean that it cannot be strong and connected if i can find a way to work with what I’ve got. I have discovered that i can be powerful in my own way and i am proud of that.

I hope this (slightly all over the place) entry might strike a chord with some of you. Remember that if you put in the work and are willing to try the maybe things you want could be possible.

All the love,

Lucy 🙂

“But you’re disabled, so how is that possible?”

It’s been a while since I have sat down properly to write one of these, as you can probably tell by the title and quote I will be talking a lot about my mental health journey and healing process that comes along with that. I will also be getting very honest about the discussions, opinions and suggestions I am regulary given by other people surrounding how I might go about doing things as a person with a disability. (I would just like to point out here that these opinions are not things i tend to ask for…but people tend to give them to me anyway) So now that you know this might get pretty personal I would not be offended if you felt you couldn’t go any further, this isn’t going to be for everyone. If you are still here though….buckle up humans, we are going on an adventure!

If you are one of the people that has been following me whilst i have been writing these blog posts then you will know that over the past 12-18 months I have been through a lot. (I am aware that everyone is going through a lot right now, with lockdown and everything else but stick with me). It is almost a year since I was signed off work, on a plane home with no idea whether I would be able to go back to work after my time off. I have done a lot of work since then and I am pleased to say that I am writing this piece from a place of healing and love, in the hope that it teaches and shows that healing is possible even with it’s many challenges.

I’m sure that you have heard what i am about to say before but healing from trauma is not linear nor is it the same for everyone but i am sure that everyone can agree that it is not easy. Trauma can mess with you, there is no escaping that, in my case it made made me question my worth, abilities and grow to hate a condition that i had spent so many years learning to grow alongside and appreciate. Like i said though, i’m not in that space anymore but it has taken a full on emotional breakdown, several therapy sessions, regular medication and whole lot of work in my own time to get here. I remember how much i blamed myself for my pain and mental state at the beginning of my journey, but i understand now that i didn’t understand what had happened to me and that this had manifested itself into me not eating or drinking anything as a way to gain back some control in a time when I felt incredibly lost and undeserving of love. I can’t lie to you, since everything has happened to me, my relationship with food has changed. I find that there are days that i do not enjoy it as much as i used to and on those days I am simply eating because it’s necessary, but I am eating a lot more regularly than i was a year ago so i am proud of that. Lockdown has helped me to rediscover some joy (as difficult as it is) because I have grown very close to a few very good people who I can open up to without judgement and who will nag and chase me around to make sure i am taking care of myself, they are a huge part of my recovery and I am grateful to have them in my life.

As i mentioned i have been having some therapy sessions I guess you would call them, i am pleasantly surprised how much talking has helped me to process and come to terms with all that i have experienced. It has helped me validate and accept the trauma I have experienced in a safe environment as well as confronting the doubt and demons this caused so that i could start healing, growing and moving on. Take it from someone that now knows, talking to someone is NOT something to be ashamed of; in fact it has given me ways to cope on the days I find difficult, whilst also giving me a chance to reflect and freely express myself. I am proud of how much I have been able to open up and grow in the past year because it has changed the relationship I have with myself and others.

I am also on regular medication at the moment, i was initially quite sceptical about taking it because of the stigma and judgement that inexplicably seems to come with it. I am now about 4 months in and can only say positive things about it – it has helped me to find some mental balance within myself again, which means generally i am in a much better space than I was and can function more successfully as a result. Don’t be ashamed of using different strategies to aid recovery, I can guarantee that you won’t be the only one doing so. Like i mentioned earlier, recovery takes a lot of work in your own time so as difficult it has been in a way i am grateful for the periods of lockdown because it has forced me to spend time alone with my thoughts, meaning i have started to journal and blog again. It has also meant that i have had the chance to rediscover things I enjoy such as music, baking, painting by numbers and Disney as well as all the joy and support I give students within my job. I have had the opportunity to educate myself through reading books and articles about other people’s trauma experiences. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in my dark times and that with work and support healing can be possible.

To finish bit i want to say that i am still healing and growing, my journey is not over yet but I am feeling more positive as I continue. If you are working on yourself to – be proud of that, god knows we have learnt that life can be a fight sometimes, but i promise you can make it.

Now for the next part of the adventure…..(I realise that this blog post is quite a long one but hang in there we’re almost done!) Most of you reading this will probably know me well enough to know that it is no secret that I have minor cerebral palsy. (if not, welcome, I hope you enjoy the rest of the story). I would also like to mention for those of you that are interested that I am part of the LGBTQ+ community.

Anyway getting sidetracked, right at the beginning of this post i mentioned that we were going to have a little chat about when people give me opinions thoughts and suggestions about the way i live my life as a disabled person….even if i don’t actually ask. I understand that most of the time thoughts, questions and opinions come from a place of care and love. But trust me when I tell you that if anybody knows the best way to live my life with my condition it’s me…i have done it for almost my entire life.

One particular subject i think it’s important bring up in this piece is a sudden fascination some people have developed about my ability as a person with a disability to have romantic relationship with another person. Now i don’t know whether people are bored in lockdown but i have heard the phrase “But you’re disabled, so how is that possible?” and i’m not sure i am okay with it anymore. I am a competent , well liked and ABLE person despite all of my differences and challenges, I wouldn’t have achieved all i have if that weren’t true.

It seems that a few people believe it is their right or in anyway appropriate to question whether I as a disabled person would be able to have an intimate relationship with another person. I can confirm that it is none of anyone else’s business aside from the individual i choose to take with and myself, As for those who suggest ways in which i might feel most comfortable to be intimate i suggest you don’t, you have no idea how my body functions and I would not dream of doing it to you!

As a final note, to those of you who regularly question whether disabled people are attractive to others, I suggest you stop doing this. I can tell you from experience that it can be a struggle to find oneself attractive a lot of the time when you have a condition. I spend a lot of time being aware of it because it plays a huge role in how my days go much of the time and i do not believe sometimes that someone could find me attractive…so i am asking you, please don’t remind me of that feeling.

I am proud of my condition and it is a huge part of why i am the person i am now, all i am asking is that you be kind to one another….especially at the moment, thanks for sticking with me.

All the love,

Lucy 🙂

So here we are, less than a week into a full lock down and I reckon we can all say that this has been the most difficult situation many of us have been in for a long time. I hope that all of you are managing to stay safe and healthy as best you can and I am sending all my love to you, your family and your friends through this challenging period.

March did not start off the way I planned, I woke up one Wednesday morning feeling the worst I had felt about myself in ages, and not really seeing the point of doing anything. As a result, after a trip to my GP I was signed off of work for a week due to stress. I remember feeling like i had failed because I had let the opinions, harsh words and doubt of another person scare me away from a job that I loved and question my place in an organisation that i had spent almost 5 years working very hard in. I got on a plane to go to my parents at the end of the same week feeling very lost, sad and unsure if i was going to be able to return to work after my time away.

I spent a week at home, going on mini adventures with my parents, trying out CrossFit with my sister (surprisingly fun!) eating food (which I had also stopped doing), cuddling family cats and spending time watching TV I had forgotten I enjoyed. Spending all this time with myself made me realise that somewhere along the road I had decided (or been convinced) that the person I had become was not good enough, worth enough or important enough, so what was the point. Let me be clear, I am right in the middle of learning that this is wrong, but I also know that it will take some time to believe, because the friendship I was involved in conditioned me to not like myself – trust me this is a negative thought process that is difficult to get out of, but i am taking it one step at a time.

You’ll be pleased to know (I hope!) that i did manage to return to work and my friends by the middle of March. I have started attending counselling sessions and am now able to put a name to the very unpleasant experience I have been put through…although if it’s all the same to you I won’t write it down just yet, i don’t think i am quite ready for that step.

I did just happen to return when all the drama with the possibility of a lock down was kicking off, typical…just when you are starting to get yourself back together the world goes and throws a massive curve ball at you! Anyway, now that we are stuck in this lock down I have learned pretty quickly that although it is a constant challenge, it has also been a great opportunity to reintroduce myself to me and get back to the roots of things that i had forgotten I enjoy. I have taken up Yoga and it has started to show me how much I am capable of, I have started listening to musical soundtracks and experiencing moments of pure happiness again. I know I have a long way to go in terms of trusting people again, pain can do a lot of damage, but the lock down has taught me that there are people in my life who love and care for me. I have laughed more than I had in months, socialised more than i hoped i could sometime ago and I have thankfully started to feel like myself again.

The best advice I can give you at this time is to be kind. I know that it is tough for everyone at the moment but the only way we are going to get through it is if we take care of each other. Keep in touch with your family, trust in your friends and check in with people who you might not know so well. I can tell you from experience that darkness doesn’t last forever and hope will always exist, even if you can’t see it right now.

You are loved, wanted, needed and important and I promise you there is a way to make it through.<3

All the love,

Lucy 🙂