Can you believe it? We have reached the end of another year and 2023 has just kicked off. I don’t know about you but I cannot understand where the time has gone! In that spirit and with 2022 now closed I thought now would be a good time to write something about all i have learned this year. I want you all to know a lot of what I have learned about myself and what it is i am capable of. I have spent a large amount of time in 2022 cultivating a new understanding of what it means to be powerful, as a result of this, I am finally learning that it is okay for me to celebrate my wins, immerse myself in joy and start to lean into the happy. Hold on tight everyone, this year has changed me in a big way and I hope you will jump on and enjoy the ride with me.

Now, for those audience members that have read along with me since I started this blog, you will hopefully know by now that the aim has always been to shed and honest light on what it can be like to live with cerebral palsy, which at times can at times be both physically and mentally limiting. I like to think that i have used this platform to demonstrate this successfully, but for the first time in what feels like forever, most of the things I am about to say are actually positive and confident. This is very exciting for me and gives me a sense of pride and a lot of hope.

Having said the above, there is no doubt that my journey of change started from a place of anxiety, uncertainty, fear and a genuine dislike for my body and condition I had spent so many years learning to live alongside. I felt damaged, broken and pretty low. I had focused so much energy on getting through a day of my job that I kept pushing back the “taking care of myself” part that ignoring my needs just became a daily habit. I couldn’t tell you what it was 9 months ago that made me reach out and start going back to the gym, but as I am sure you know by now, once I have decided on something it is very unlikely that I will change my mind, I can be incredibly stubborn in that way!

April 2022 was where everything started to change for me, I had been doing a lot of research into things that could help me feel better and I landed on returning to the gym. I had done this before but was still very nervous because it hadn’t worked out quite as I’d hoped in the past. When I got to my first training session I thought the outcome might be the same as previous owing to the fact that I barley managed to get two words out before I burst into tears. (I must stress that these tears had nothing to do with my trainer, he was, and luckily for me still is incredible!) This was the stage of my journey that I did not know how to handle or where to put my feelings or emotions. I also felt so uncomfortable in my own skin that I lacked any self-confidence.

Re-entering into a fitness journey as a person with a physical impairment takes a lot of planning, patience and trial and error, mostly because we had to figure out how to exercise in a system and a body where things do not always go as planned. It is difficult to explain to those who do not experience it first hand, what it can be like living in a body that you do not always feel connected to or in control of, but it is a constant surprise as to what state or level of agreement you will get from your body on a daily basis. This made the idea of fitness a mental challenge as well as a physical one, I spent a large portion of time telling my trainer he was bananas and i would never be able to do a lot of the things he was asking me to, all credit to him, he persevered with me and most of the time he was right and we worked things out eventually.

The first couple of months of this journey were quite nerve-wracking for me, butt I realise now that this because I was still in the mindset that “people like me” could never be physically capable of undertaking workouts like these successfully or safely. This was also linked to my then belief that I did not deserve to change or strengthen the body I came in because it is damaged. Fast forward 9 months and thankfully, that train of thought has changed a lot! I have learned to throw medicine balls, use battle ropes, strengthen my legs with sumo squats, leg press and leg extension. This has also been an awesome way to strengthen my core, improve my balance and focus/control my emotions. The ultimate sense of achievement came a couple of weeks ago when I managed to complete my first ever sets of assisted pull ups with a band! I remember how happy i felt that I managed to do it and I could not stop smiling :)! I felt fully connected for the first time in ages and was leaning into the happy.

I can see a huge difference in the state of my mental health and resilience over the past year, it probably helps that I am taking my medication as I should and eating and drinking regularly. (Yes, I wasn’t doing any of these things 9 months ago). But, now that i have focus, structure and accountability I can see positive changes and development. I am now excited to try new things, set boundaries and be proud of my achievements, finally allowing myself the space to explore the happiness i am now learning I deserve.

I am going to finish this entry, and close 2022 by reminding you that things do not always go the way we plan but that is okay, I have learned to make it all part of the journey. The past 12 months have been a huge learning curve for me, but I am very proud of how much I have changed and who i have become. I am not the same person as last year and I am grateful, I go into 2023 feeling more whole and connected than ever, I am very excited to see what gifts 2023 brings me.

I hope that 2023 brings you love, joy growth, strength, power and healing. We all know that it will not go to plan 100% of the time but please keep going. Take it from someone who has been through stuff, it will get better. Change does not happen immediately, but i hope you take this year as a chance to challenge yourself and step into your power. You truly never know what you can do. Happy New Year my darlings, you’ve got this!

All the love,

Lucy 🙂

So here we are again, I realise that it has been a minute since i wrote or posted anything. I am also very aware that I have probably said that before, I guess I am just one of those writers who creates when it feels right and I am totally okay with that! This particular entry will I hope, be a positive yet honest insight into what i have been doing and learning over the past few months.

For those of you that have been kind enough to follow my journey through these pieces will know that i have experienced and learned to live with a lot of challenges. Before I go any further I need to remind everyone that the main reasons i have managed to live so well with these challenges are my parents and family. I am incredibly lucky, grateful and thankful for everything that they have taught and given me. If any of you know much about cerebral palsy then I am sure that you aware that it can manifest itself in many different forms and levels of severity, i am very fortunate that my condition is mild and generally i am able to do most things to live a normal life, even if it takes a little extra effort sometimes.

One of the aspects of my condition that i have often found the most difficult to live with is the unpredictability of my own body, in pain, feeling, movement and control. A lot of work and effort went into helping me develop an understanding of how to live in a body like mine when i was younger. I will always be thankful for the regular swimming and physiotherapy lessons because i know that without them, i would not be as strong, able and mobile as i am today. Having said all of that though, i have always felt a disconnect with the body I live in, because despite living within it for the past 28 years I am still never really sure what surprises it will throw my way. I guess the best way i can describe it is like an inner monologue argument, both mentally and physically, it a sometimes constant round robin of not always knowing how your body is going to feel, move or function on a particular day. The unpredictability effect that my condition has on my body is a lack of a certain level control that i really want, but am still learning that I will probably never really get. I do not seek sympathy for this, please understand that i am aware of how lucky i am with the level of movement I have but also knowing that i will not the level of control experienced by those who are more able bodied can be hard for me sometimes.

For those of you that know me, and those that don’t yet I guess, you will know that I have always had a love/hate relationship with sport and physical activity. I’m not going to lie, growing up, school PE lessons were mostly hate, but i now know that this is because i felt exposed, different and out of control. That feeling carried on into my adult life and really affected the relationship i had with my body and how i saw myself, this made the idea of exercising almost impossible to me because I was not sure if i was capable of of taking care of myself safely because of the disconnect I felt within my own body.

I did promise you that this piece would be positive too – and i think it is about time we get to looking at that bit. It all started around 4 months ago, i decided i was in the right space to start taking care of myself again. I contacted a personal trainer and we started working together to help me regain some confidence in myself, learn how to reconnect with my body and the way that it moves and understand that even when I find it difficult that with the right support i will be able to have some the control back that i feel like I have been missing.

Going back to the gym and focusing on myself for the past few months has been life changing. (Honestly, anyone in my everyday life can tell you that I have not stopped talking about it since I started!) It has been so lovely to work with someone who lets and encourages me to be part of my own story, giving me hope and belief that with practice I will be able to get stronger and relearn how to connect with and love my body again. I have learned that i can push myself in a positive way and my body is capable of more than I thought. I am deeply appreciative of the way in which the training and support I have received has helped me rediscover the power i have and i am excited for it to continue. I’m not saying that the work is an easy process, because it really isn’t sometimes, it takes a lot of planning, adaptation and trial and error, but working with someone who is willing to figure it out is powerful in itself. For the first time in a while i am finding joy in movement again and i am starting to feel a connection with my body that has been missing for a while.

All i can say from this experience is, just because my body is unpredictable (and in some ways always will be) that does not mean that it cannot be strong and connected if i can find a way to work with what I’ve got. I have discovered that i can be powerful in my own way and i am proud of that.

I hope this (slightly all over the place) entry might strike a chord with some of you. Remember that if you put in the work and are willing to try the maybe things you want could be possible.

All the love,

Lucy 🙂

“But you’re disabled, so how is that possible?”

It’s been a while since I have sat down properly to write one of these, as you can probably tell by the title and quote I will be talking a lot about my mental health journey and healing process that comes along with that. I will also be getting very honest about the discussions, opinions and suggestions I am regulary given by other people surrounding how I might go about doing things as a person with a disability. (I would just like to point out here that these opinions are not things i tend to ask for…but people tend to give them to me anyway) So now that you know this might get pretty personal I would not be offended if you felt you couldn’t go any further, this isn’t going to be for everyone. If you are still here though….buckle up humans, we are going on an adventure!

If you are one of the people that has been following me whilst i have been writing these blog posts then you will know that over the past 12-18 months I have been through a lot. (I am aware that everyone is going through a lot right now, with lockdown and everything else but stick with me). It is almost a year since I was signed off work, on a plane home with no idea whether I would be able to go back to work after my time off. I have done a lot of work since then and I am pleased to say that I am writing this piece from a place of healing and love, in the hope that it teaches and shows that healing is possible even with it’s many challenges.

I’m sure that you have heard what i am about to say before but healing from trauma is not linear nor is it the same for everyone but i am sure that everyone can agree that it is not easy. Trauma can mess with you, there is no escaping that, in my case it made made me question my worth, abilities and grow to hate a condition that i had spent so many years learning to grow alongside and appreciate. Like i said though, i’m not in that space anymore but it has taken a full on emotional breakdown, several therapy sessions, regular medication and whole lot of work in my own time to get here. I remember how much i blamed myself for my pain and mental state at the beginning of my journey, but i understand now that i didn’t understand what had happened to me and that this had manifested itself into me not eating or drinking anything as a way to gain back some control in a time when I felt incredibly lost and undeserving of love. I can’t lie to you, since everything has happened to me, my relationship with food has changed. I find that there are days that i do not enjoy it as much as i used to and on those days I am simply eating because it’s necessary, but I am eating a lot more regularly than i was a year ago so i am proud of that. Lockdown has helped me to rediscover some joy (as difficult as it is) because I have grown very close to a few very good people who I can open up to without judgement and who will nag and chase me around to make sure i am taking care of myself, they are a huge part of my recovery and I am grateful to have them in my life.

As i mentioned i have been having some therapy sessions I guess you would call them, i am pleasantly surprised how much talking has helped me to process and come to terms with all that i have experienced. It has helped me validate and accept the trauma I have experienced in a safe environment as well as confronting the doubt and demons this caused so that i could start healing, growing and moving on. Take it from someone that now knows, talking to someone is NOT something to be ashamed of; in fact it has given me ways to cope on the days I find difficult, whilst also giving me a chance to reflect and freely express myself. I am proud of how much I have been able to open up and grow in the past year because it has changed the relationship I have with myself and others.

I am also on regular medication at the moment, i was initially quite sceptical about taking it because of the stigma and judgement that inexplicably seems to come with it. I am now about 4 months in and can only say positive things about it – it has helped me to find some mental balance within myself again, which means generally i am in a much better space than I was and can function more successfully as a result. Don’t be ashamed of using different strategies to aid recovery, I can guarantee that you won’t be the only one doing so. Like i mentioned earlier, recovery takes a lot of work in your own time so as difficult it has been in a way i am grateful for the periods of lockdown because it has forced me to spend time alone with my thoughts, meaning i have started to journal and blog again. It has also meant that i have had the chance to rediscover things I enjoy such as music, baking, painting by numbers and Disney as well as all the joy and support I give students within my job. I have had the opportunity to educate myself through reading books and articles about other people’s trauma experiences. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in my dark times and that with work and support healing can be possible.

To finish bit i want to say that i am still healing and growing, my journey is not over yet but I am feeling more positive as I continue. If you are working on yourself to – be proud of that, god knows we have learnt that life can be a fight sometimes, but i promise you can make it.

Now for the next part of the adventure…..(I realise that this blog post is quite a long one but hang in there we’re almost done!) Most of you reading this will probably know me well enough to know that it is no secret that I have minor cerebral palsy. (if not, welcome, I hope you enjoy the rest of the story). I would also like to mention for those of you that are interested that I am part of the LGBTQ+ community.

Anyway getting sidetracked, right at the beginning of this post i mentioned that we were going to have a little chat about when people give me opinions thoughts and suggestions about the way i live my life as a disabled person….even if i don’t actually ask. I understand that most of the time thoughts, questions and opinions come from a place of care and love. But trust me when I tell you that if anybody knows the best way to live my life with my condition it’s me…i have done it for almost my entire life.

One particular subject i think it’s important bring up in this piece is a sudden fascination some people have developed about my ability as a person with a disability to have romantic relationship with another person. Now i don’t know whether people are bored in lockdown but i have heard the phrase “But you’re disabled, so how is that possible?” and i’m not sure i am okay with it anymore. I am a competent , well liked and ABLE person despite all of my differences and challenges, I wouldn’t have achieved all i have if that weren’t true.

It seems that a few people believe it is their right or in anyway appropriate to question whether I as a disabled person would be able to have an intimate relationship with another person. I can confirm that it is none of anyone else’s business aside from the individual i choose to take with and myself, As for those who suggest ways in which i might feel most comfortable to be intimate i suggest you don’t, you have no idea how my body functions and I would not dream of doing it to you!

As a final note, to those of you who regularly question whether disabled people are attractive to others, I suggest you stop doing this. I can tell you from experience that it can be a struggle to find oneself attractive a lot of the time when you have a condition. I spend a lot of time being aware of it because it plays a huge role in how my days go much of the time and i do not believe sometimes that someone could find me attractive…so i am asking you, please don’t remind me of that feeling.

I am proud of my condition and it is a huge part of why i am the person i am now, all i am asking is that you be kind to one another….especially at the moment, thanks for sticking with me.

All the love,

Lucy 🙂

So here we are, less than a week into a full lock down and I reckon we can all say that this has been the most difficult situation many of us have been in for a long time. I hope that all of you are managing to stay safe and healthy as best you can and I am sending all my love to you, your family and your friends through this challenging period.

March did not start off the way I planned, I woke up one Wednesday morning feeling the worst I had felt about myself in ages, and not really seeing the point of doing anything. As a result, after a trip to my GP I was signed off of work for a week due to stress. I remember feeling like i had failed because I had let the opinions, harsh words and doubt of another person scare me away from a job that I loved and question my place in an organisation that i had spent almost 5 years working very hard in. I got on a plane to go to my parents at the end of the same week feeling very lost, sad and unsure if i was going to be able to return to work after my time away.

I spent a week at home, going on mini adventures with my parents, trying out CrossFit with my sister (surprisingly fun!) eating food (which I had also stopped doing), cuddling family cats and spending time watching TV I had forgotten I enjoyed. Spending all this time with myself made me realise that somewhere along the road I had decided (or been convinced) that the person I had become was not good enough, worth enough or important enough, so what was the point. Let me be clear, I am right in the middle of learning that this is wrong, but I also know that it will take some time to believe, because the friendship I was involved in conditioned me to not like myself – trust me this is a negative thought process that is difficult to get out of, but i am taking it one step at a time.

You’ll be pleased to know (I hope!) that i did manage to return to work and my friends by the middle of March. I have started attending counselling sessions and am now able to put a name to the very unpleasant experience I have been put through…although if it’s all the same to you I won’t write it down just yet, i don’t think i am quite ready for that step.

I did just happen to return when all the drama with the possibility of a lock down was kicking off, typical…just when you are starting to get yourself back together the world goes and throws a massive curve ball at you! Anyway, now that we are stuck in this lock down I have learned pretty quickly that although it is a constant challenge, it has also been a great opportunity to reintroduce myself to me and get back to the roots of things that i had forgotten I enjoy. I have taken up Yoga and it has started to show me how much I am capable of, I have started listening to musical soundtracks and experiencing moments of pure happiness again. I know I have a long way to go in terms of trusting people again, pain can do a lot of damage, but the lock down has taught me that there are people in my life who love and care for me. I have laughed more than I had in months, socialised more than i hoped i could sometime ago and I have thankfully started to feel like myself again.

The best advice I can give you at this time is to be kind. I know that it is tough for everyone at the moment but the only way we are going to get through it is if we take care of each other. Keep in touch with your family, trust in your friends and check in with people who you might not know so well. I can tell you from experience that darkness doesn’t last forever and hope will always exist, even if you can’t see it right now.

You are loved, wanted, needed and important and I promise you there is a way to make it through.<3

All the love,

Lucy 🙂

Dear reader,

I call you that because I don’t know much about many of the people who might read this, but I hope that if you do find it that you stick with me until the end. I’m writing this to you pretty late at night because I am struggling to sleep and find getting things down on paper or on screen in this case, sometimes helps. Settle in ladies and gents because here comes the story.

So as you may have guessed from the title it has been a rough few weeks and you could say that I haven’t been in the best of places. i am trying to pull myself back into a positive space and heal so i think that it’s important I write this, I attended my first (or maybe second??) ever counselling session last week. I know that some of you might think that sounds pretty scary….believe me I am inclined to agree with you, my heart was beating REALLY fast before I went in. But you see , what nobody ever seems to tell you about these sessions is that they are basically a lot of talking, offloading and processing. Now don’t misunderstand, I’m definitely not saying it was all as easy as that…because it was not. I can say though, that even in the short space of time I was there i learned a lot about the person I am and how I got there.

I am 26 years old now and if you have been with me since I started writing this blog then you will have learned pretty early on that I have grown up differently and am generally quite proud of that. (If you haven’t, head back and have a look at the first entry to see what i’m talking about!) So as i am sure you know by now growing up or being an adult with a lifelong condition brings a unique set of challenges with it. One of these that I have experienced throughout my life is people consistently giving their opinions on what you are capable of or how much you are worth. I am perfectly aware that this kind of thing happens to everyone at one point in their life but what I have noticed more and more is that the condition that I had very little say over receiving has become for some people, a very large stick to beat me with.

Notice i said some people, because i cannot and will not deny that I have many incredible friends, supportive family and awesome colleagues who have shown me how brilliant life can be if you learn to ignore the negatives and just get on with things. The truth is though, I am only human and even though I could argue that I am used to some people trying to bring me down there comes a time when if you hear the same set of comments over and over it can get pretty difficult not to start finding some truth in them. I’m not ashamed to admit that for a while I did think that things were said were true and for a while I didn’t think i was good enough as i am. (not gonna lie I still feel like that now sometimes which is tough, but i’m working on it.)

I guess what I am trying to say, to the person who doesn’t think i am good enough is that I get it. But i also really don’t need you to tell me because it could risk all the hard work i have put in to getting myself to where I am right now. I don’t need you to remind me of all the challenges and battles and arguments I have faced because I was there for all of them and i can almost guarantee that you were not. You could not possibly understand what it takes for me and others to get through a day so please be careful with your words and opinions, you can never be sure of the effect they could have.

All the love,

Lucy 🙂

So before I start this entry I realise it has been a good while since I touched base with you all, sorry about that but I have just been living my life, going on amazing adventures and meeting the most beautiful niece ever (like, seriously she is awesome!)

Anyway, I recently made a promise to myself that I would try and be more positive, open to ideas and sociable. I hope that if you are reading this you will be pleased to hear that generally that plan has gone pretty well so far! J I have managed to spend time with colleagues and friends outside of work and because it is close to the beginning of the new academic year I have worked hard to try and get to know new members staff.

Now for those of you that know me well, you will hopefully understand that I sometimes find it hard to meet and introduce myself to new people in a social environment. Honestly it makes me quite anxious because not only do I find it difficult to engage with people sometimes, but you never really know what kind of personalities, opinions and people you are going to come into contact with and for me the not knowing is terrifying. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that I don’t have people that I get along with because I do, and I love them all, it just takes me a long time to open up and trust them.

I told you earlier that I have been spending more time with colleagues and friends, a great example of this is a House Party/get together I went to so that everyone could get know each other a bit better before all the work starts. It was brilliant and I really enjoyed myself BUT I also found it quite a test, I have never been a big fan of large groups of people, not only because there is an expectation that you interact conversationally and confidently (trust me, I can do it, I just find that unless I know you well I can be quite shy!) but also the physical aspects and difficulties. I don’t know who this will make sense to but if I am in a group situation I often find myself navigating my way around a room in my head, looking out for trip hazards and generally trying my best not to bump into/trip over things and other people. I spent a lot of the evening doing just that and I can’t lie it made me quite mentally and physically tired as well as a little panicked. But don’t worry I understand and want you to know that it’s okay if that happens, because at least you are trying.

I have been at my current workplace for a good few years now, I have worked hard; fought for my position and I like to think become very good at what I do. I love looking after and supporting students from a pastoral perspective; I will be starting a new aspect of my role soon and whilst in training I had to get up in front of all the boarding staff and tell them about it (aaaah!) I was very nervous because I suddenly became very aware of all the eyes looking at me, I got a little shaky but I am proud because everyone was very supportive and at least I did it!

As you can probably imagine the events of those couple of days made me pretty exhausted both mentally and physically so I took the decision to hide away in my flat for the day and do nothing; believe me when I tell you that this is not a bad or selfish thing to do, stepping outside of your comfort zone and facing a fear takes a lot of energy and focus so you absolutely have the right to recharge. Do something you enjoy, to calm and centre yourself. (I will often listen to musical soundtracks on full blast or use the Headspace app to relax myself J).

I understand on quite a deep level how much planning and preparation it can take to even will yourself to go to an event or gathering, so all I am saying is if you need a minute to step away from the madness then go ahead and take it. If there is ever a time that you find anything too much, don’t be hard on yourself, Rome wasn’t built in a day!

If you’re still with me and reading I bet it feels like quite a ramble! So I will conclude by saying the following, start small, accept support and be proud. If you spend time doing little things that you are afraid of then I am hopeful they will get easier. Celebrate each little step you take because it is a big achievement. Finally, please don’t forget to look after yourself, self-care is not a luxury but a means of survival.

You are never alone.

All the love,

Lucy J