So here we are, less than a week into a full lock down and I reckon we can all say that this has been the most difficult situation many of us have been in for a long time. I hope that all of you are managing to stay safe and healthy as best you can and I am sending all my love to you, your family and your friends through this challenging period.
March did not start off the way I planned, I woke up one Wednesday morning feeling the worst I had felt about myself in ages, and not really seeing the point of doing anything. As a result, after a trip to my GP I was signed off of work for a week due to stress. I remember feeling like i had failed because I had let the opinions, harsh words and doubt of another person scare me away from a job that I loved and question my place in an organisation that i had spent almost 5 years working very hard in. I got on a plane to go to my parents at the end of the same week feeling very lost, sad and unsure if i was going to be able to return to work after my time away.
I spent a week at home, going on mini adventures with my parents, trying out CrossFit with my sister (surprisingly fun!) eating food (which I had also stopped doing), cuddling family cats and spending time watching TV I had forgotten I enjoyed. Spending all this time with myself made me realise that somewhere along the road I had decided (or been convinced) that the person I had become was not good enough, worth enough or important enough, so what was the point. Let me be clear, I am right in the middle of learning that this is wrong, but I also know that it will take some time to believe, because the friendship I was involved in conditioned me to not like myself – trust me this is a negative thought process that is difficult to get out of, but i am taking it one step at a time.
You’ll be pleased to know (I hope!) that i did manage to return to work and my friends by the middle of March. I have started attending counselling sessions and am now able to put a name to the very unpleasant experience I have been put through…although if it’s all the same to you I won’t write it down just yet, i don’t think i am quite ready for that step.
I did just happen to return when all the drama with the possibility of a lock down was kicking off, typical…just when you are starting to get yourself back together the world goes and throws a massive curve ball at you! Anyway, now that we are stuck in this lock down I have learned pretty quickly that although it is a constant challenge, it has also been a great opportunity to reintroduce myself to me and get back to the roots of things that i had forgotten I enjoy. I have taken up Yoga and it has started to show me how much I am capable of, I have started listening to musical soundtracks and experiencing moments of pure happiness again. I know I have a long way to go in terms of trusting people again, pain can do a lot of damage, but the lock down has taught me that there are people in my life who love and care for me. I have laughed more than I had in months, socialised more than i hoped i could sometime ago and I have thankfully started to feel like myself again.
The best advice I can give you at this time is to be kind. I know that it is tough for everyone at the moment but the only way we are going to get through it is if we take care of each other. Keep in touch with your family, trust in your friends and check in with people who you might not know so well. I can tell you from experience that darkness doesn’t last forever and hope will always exist, even if you can’t see it right now.
You are loved, wanted, needed and important and I promise you there is a way to make it through.<3
All the love,