I call you that because I don’t know much about many of the people who might read this, but I hope that if you do find it that you stick with me until the end. I’m writing this to you pretty late at night because I am struggling to sleep and find getting things down on paper or on screen in this case, sometimes helps. Settle in ladies and gents because here comes the story.
So as you may have guessed from the title it has been a rough few weeks and you could say that I haven’t been in the best of places. i am trying to pull myself back into a positive space and heal so i think that it’s important I write this, I attended my first (or maybe second??) ever counselling session last week. I know that some of you might think that sounds pretty scary….believe me I am inclined to agree with you, my heart was beating REALLY fast before I went in. But you see , what nobody ever seems to tell you about these sessions is that they are basically a lot of talking, offloading and processing. Now don’t misunderstand, I’m definitely not saying it was all as easy as that…because it was not. I can say though, that even in the short space of time I was there i learned a lot about the person I am and how I got there.
I am 26 years old now and if you have been with me since I started writing this blog then you will have learned pretty early on that I have grown up differently and am generally quite proud of that. (If you haven’t, head back and have a look at the first entry to see what i’m talking about!) So as i am sure you know by now growing up or being an adult with a lifelong condition brings a unique set of challenges with it. One of these that I have experienced throughout my life is people consistently giving their opinions on what you are capable of or how much you are worth. I am perfectly aware that this kind of thing happens to everyone at one point in their life but what I have noticed more and more is that the condition that I had very little say over receiving has become for some people, a very large stick to beat me with.
Notice i said some people, because i cannot and will not deny that I have many incredible friends, supportive family and awesome colleagues who have shown me how brilliant life can be if you learn to ignore the negatives and just get on with things. The truth is though, I am only human and even though I could argue that I am used to some people trying to bring me down there comes a time when if you hear the same set of comments over and over it can get pretty difficult not to start finding some truth in them. I’m not ashamed to admit that for a while I did think that things were said were true and for a while I didn’t think i was good enough as i am. (not gonna lie I still feel like that now sometimes which is tough, but i’m working on it.)
I guess what I am trying to say, to the person who doesn’t think i am good enough is that I get it. But i also really don’t need you to tell me because it could risk all the hard work i have put in to getting myself to where I am right now. I don’t need you to remind me of all the challenges and battles and arguments I have faced because I was there for all of them and i can almost guarantee that you were not. You could not possibly understand what it takes for me and others to get through a day so please be careful with your words and opinions, you can never be sure of the effect they could have.
All the love,