Living with the unexpected: Learning to find the light.

“Happiness can be found in the darkest of time, if only one remembers to turn on the light” – Albus Dumbledore

After what feels like a lifetime, I am back, and for the first time in a while; I feel somewhat ready to write again. I have tried think for ages, about how I wanted to write this piece, and what path it would take. I initially considered, writing to my brain, much like I did to cerebral palsy in the blog post that started it all. I then realised however, that my brain is quite a messy space sometimes, so i am not how much sense that would have made, so i am hopeful that, if you have started reading this, then you are willing to settle for a personal ramble that will reach some kind of conclusion….eventually.

So, as i am sure you have noticed, we have rolled in to October, it’s odd, because it doesn’t feel as cold as it normally does, but it is definitely getting darker earlier. If i am totally 100% honest, September was not the easiest of months for me, it felt pretty dark sometimes. I like to think that now I know more about what I can do to help keep myself in a good space, I would be able to control my thoughts most of the time. September was not one of those months… I had been through a lot, from being pinned to my boyfriends bed due to a panic/anxiety episode I was not prepared for, to another visit to the hospital with stress induced Gastritis. I was experiencing all of this and still going into my job everyday feeling like I was constantly running around and pressing fast forward just to get through the day.I was tired, but i tried not show it, I was stressed, but i tried not to show it and i was low, but tried not to show it. It reached a point where I couldn’t hide how i was feeling anymore, I had stopped going to the gym regularly (which i happen to love going to now) because it felt like effort, I stopped eating and drinking properly, because it felt like effort, and I all i wanted to do whilst i was in that head-space was sleep.

I had forgotten how too much sleep could make you so tired, but i just didn’t want to do anything else…I was on auto-piloting through work, because I have learned how to put on a “mask” really well so that I could still look after the students that care so much about. Fast forward to two weeks ago, I found myself sitting outside of a church (of all places) across from my favourite sweet-shop, waiting for another phone call appointment with my GP to discuss my mental health. It doesn’t matter how many times I have done this…(because I know it helps) part of me, still really hates doing it, but thankfully, the conversation happened and resulted in the dosage of my anti-depressants being increased, in hopes of it helping me level out again. And after about a week, along with an interesting sleep pattern and a bit of exhaustion, i am starting to feel like myself again.

Now, for those of you who are eagle eyed, you may have noticed the Harry Potter quote at the top of this piece. Being the Potter nut (or Potterhead if you wish), Albus Dumbledore and Luna Lovegood taught me a lot about how to live my life, through embracing your weirdness and fighting for what is right. One of my favourite Luna Lovegood quotes has to be “The things we lose always have a way of coming back to us, even if not in the way we expect.” This could not have felt more accurate to me after the past month, because I felt so unlike myself, that it felt as if i was out of my own body watching from a distance. But now, I am writing this entry, having been to the gym two days in a row, eaten 3 meals a day for those days and have started drinking water properly again. I know that to some of you that probably doesn’t sound like a lot, but since i am in the process of recovering (again) I am trying to celebrate the little wins.

Through this particular and unexpected episode I have tried to find ways of learning to find the light. I know for a fact that I am lucky to have the partner I do, he has seen some of worse days and some of my lowest lows and he still here. I love and appreciate him very much for that. I am also incredibly thankful to have the gym community, trainer and friend that I have found, because even with the gaps in gym visits and up and downs with consistency, the support and existence is constant. I’m not in totally positive place that I have been, but i do not feel so low anymore, so with baby steps I am sure that I will get back there…eventually.

I am excited to start building my resilience and motivation again, even if it is just 1% a day, because 1% is always better than nothing. Take from someone that knows, dark days don’t last forever, it is just harder to find the light sometimes. Reach out and hold onto those people that you love, because whatever you are experiencing right now, I believe that you will get through it.

I hope this helps you find your light my darlings,

All the love

Lucy 🙂